You’re gay? You want to get married!?!
Boo!
[I say that in a Halloween context, not in a Sarah Palin at a Red Wings game sense of the term.]
Oh, I’m scared. If you, gay man or lesbian woman, choose to take on the yoke of blessed matrimony, enter into a sacred and committed covenant, and (Heaven forbid!) procreate and raise children, I am sure that my relationship with Homer will fall apart and my children will be in foster homes by the end of the week.
Okay, if you haven’t clued in by now (and trust me there are some that haven’t), THAT was satire. I’ve been inspired by my Plurk buddy DotLizard to air a personal struggle I’ve been challenged with for the last two years. In case you missed it, DotLizard drafted a very articulate post about her position against California’s proposition 8 – the anti gay marriage amendment to California’s constitution. I was pleased to be one of the first to comment on the post and I couldn’t have framed my position much better than she did.
Here’s my rub. I am a Catholic girl (by choice) married to a Catholic guy (by nearly birth), raising Catholic kids with support from a parochial school system. There are quite a few aspects of church’s doctrine with which I disagree – gay marriage is just one on the list. When it comes down from the pulpit, I just smile, nod, and keep my mouth shut (I know that’s hard to believe, but it is possible at times). I can live with a little cognitive dissonance in my life. After all, the parish priest is not so foolish as to think that his entire flock has never taken birth control pills or had a vasectomy, eh?
Homer and I are a part of a Catholic marriage ministry. It’s been great for us and for hundreds of couples who have made retreat weekends here in Las Vegas for the past 25 years or so. There are a lot of great aspects about the program – improving daily communications, focusing on feelings and mutual respect and understanding, making God a part of our relationship, etc. – that we wholly embrace. Unfortunately in their fervor to promote the sacrament of marriage, they’ve gotten themselves whipped up in support of Prop. 8. We ignore articles in the e-newsletter and it doesn’t come up much in our local group, but we pretty much had a big loving spoonful shoved down our throats at the convention this summer.
They staged a media event where they asked all of the couples to sign a vinyl banner proclamation in support of sole recognition heterosexual marriage. Needless to say, Homer and I were not at that playground. Two other couples from Las Vegas joined our silent protest (i.e., a nap back at the hotel). It turned out that they didn’t get the publicity they were hoping for, but, for us, it was really the principle of the thing that stuck in our respective craws.
We’ve been in the process of reconsidering our commitment to this ministry (an annual process all couples who give the weekends go through) and this has been a big issue for me. How can I be a part of a marriage ministry that doesn’t minister to some couples because God made them who they are? Does our continued affiliation with this ministry give implied support to Prop. 8? If we pull out of the ministry, do we pull out of the church as well?
As you can see, I can really get myself thinking (and possibly over thinking) on this. Should we leave well enough alone and wait out the “silly season” and work to change the organization from the inside? Should we leave in protest? Where does our affiliation with the Catholic Church play in all of this?
The cognitive dissonance is starting to give me a headache.
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Isn’t it an option to continue with your commitment, but voice your lack of support for their lack of support?
Am I being naive, there?
Thanks ZJ – that’s kind of where we’ve been at. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” thing is getting old for me. I hate knowing that what I think and what I’m doing are out of alignment. I think it sends a bad message to my kids. I’d rather be wrong and consistent than think right and act wrong. On the other hand, I could be over thinking this. There are lots of situations where I choose to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, I can’t slay every dragon, can I?
After a lot of soul-searching, I’ve decided on the “work from within” approach. That’s the only way that I can handle it. If it will make you feel any better, there are a lot of places where the Church is not taking a stand. I was in Mass. last week and the talk there is very supportive of gay marriage. I can’t stand the California hypocrisy!
If words still mean anything today then Taylor Marshall has an excellent point here on Credo at Culture11.
http://culture11.com/blogs/credo/2008/10/20/gay-marriage-and-the-word-matrimony/
I have written and deleted comments to this a dozen times. You know how passionate I feel about gay rights. I also believe that this country was founded on a system of separation of church and state for good reason. Churches have no business getting involved in federal or state law. If they do not want to allow gay marriages, fine, but they should not be attempting to strong arm their parishioners when it comes to politics.
I do not envy you the position you are in. It is very difficult to reconcile one’s religious beliefs with one’s political beliefs sometimes. you know we will support you whatever your decision may be! XOXO
When it comes down to it, religious marraiges, such as a Catholic one (I’m one too, by the way), are separate from legally recognized and licensed marraiges. If the Catholic Church doesn’t want to recognize gay marraige then they don’t have to perform any. It doesn’t mean the state or any other church should be forbidden in doing so. I think anyone who wants to get married should be able to. Frankly, we know quite a few gay couples that have great relationships. They’re no different than my wife and me, with the exception of their matching naughty parts.
I think you ROCK, but you know that.
A lot of American Catholics struggle with this kind of thing. There’s been conversation of the American Catholic church splitting from Rome over these same issues.
I guess what I am trying to say is that the vocal minority is just that loud, and a minority.
((hug))
Mehitabel – We’ve taken the “work from within” approach up to this point, but when you’re one of six voices in a group of 100+, it’s hard to keep the conversation constructive. We may keep it up, we may give it up. Who knows.
Justin – I see your and Taylor’s respective points on the issue, but I disagree that the sacramental relationship is somehow incomplete without the willingness to bear children. Christ likens the bond between and woman to his relationship between God and the church. It is symbiotic, committed, and whole. The call to marriage is as strong as the call to religious life. Even if the sacrament was only valid with the willingness to accept children, there’s nothing barring a heterosexual or homosexual couple from welcoming a child into their family through a variety of methods.
Perpstu – I appreciate the thoughtfulness behind your response. This is a struggle for me and as much as I’d like to see this in black and white (Wait, technically it is b&W thanks to my blog template!), it’s a lot of gray in my gray matter right now.
VegasDad – I agree. I know my share of gay and lesbian couples who have better relationships than their hetero counterparts and have more well-adjusted kids, too. That said, I’m not a big fan of the separate but equal doctrine either. Why should hetero couples get to have a “marriage” while those with matching naughty parts be relegated to civil unions? Why do I get to have my relationship with Homer blessed in a church and they have to go to city hall? Would we be having the same debate based on other innate characteristics such as race or ethnicity?
I’m all for separation of church and state here, but if the church wants the government to tell me what I can do with my uterus (and if for some crazy reason they listen), then I think the government should be able to tell the church they can’t discriminate.
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hi my name is sara, n i want to asking u few question.
1st, i have same sex female couple n we are planning to get married because we love each other.
2nd, we are frm malaysia, in malaysia not approve same sex married couple so can we go to ur country to get married?