Wordless Wednesday: Look dude, you’re goin’ down and I’m taking the Pearl.

My September ‘08 Perfect Post Award goes to….

Okay. I realize I skipped August. If you haven’t noticed lately, my personal snow globe’s been shaking like Shakira’s hips for the past few weeks, so cut a girl a break.

Anyway, it gives me great pleasure to award my Perfect Post Award for September 2008 to none other than Kristen at Mommy Needs a Cocktail for her post, Don’t Stay at the Bellagio.

No, my award isn’t just because she gave me a shout-out in it. It’s not because I’m looking for a free shirt either (although I do like this one in a large).

It’s because she survived a harrowing experience in my fair city and giving her an award will hopefully lure her back someday. Hell, I’m no Bellagio, but she can stay in Boo’s purple room. Homer’s offered to pull out the super soakers in in the pool while Doodle and I play “Hey Big Spender” on kazoo beneath her window.

Really, her post is as hilarious as it it horrifying. But was it all a ploy to avoid the blogger meet-up? Hmmm. Really I’m not that scary. Just ask Claudia. She can tell you I know where the cool kids play.

Alright my friend. I couldn’t buy your prego gloriousness a drink, so I’ll do you one better. This one’s for you.

Be sure to check out the other recipients at Suburban Turmoil and Petroville. It’ll be well worth your nickel.

My life in a blender.

I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to turn the blender that is my life to “Emulsify,” but I sure wish they’d pull the plug. My brain has turned to complete mush and not even the covalent bonds of a Starbuck’s mint mocha chip frappuchino can pull it together.

I’m usually someone who’s on top of things. My kids show up looking like they could be on the cover of a catalog. These days, they’re better suited for a cover of National Geographic.

My in-laws celebrated their 81st birthdays in August. Their presents are still sitting in our office. Let’s not talk about the anniversary card that didn’t get sent recognizing their 58th.

I’m supposed to be launching my Savvy Source blog in two days. I still have to get 10 more posts in before tomorrow. And I’m supposed to have a list of 100 places kids can take classes or do activities. Hmmm. Did I mention that I have a day job?

Don’t get me started. It amazes me that they still let me in the door each morning. I can’t seem to master simple tasks like getting a repeating appointment to show up on my calendar. Let’s not talk about the typos I had to fix on a presentation this afternoon.

Homer and I just realized that we’re supposed to have a hiking date later this month, but neither one of us knows exactly the date or time we committed to. Heaven help us if we double-booked.

I just spent my evening running around town getting auction items for two school fundraisers (realizing the items are due tomorrow) and getting up to date on the other commitments we’re obligated to for Boo’s school. The last hour was consumed with recruiting babysitters to help us juggle the kids between all of these things and my upcoming trip to the Motor City (which happens to be the same weekend as one of these fundraisers).

Wanna know what’s the scariest part of all? I know this is all going to get worse before it gets better. Doodle will have his scout/soccer/chess club (or whatever he ends up in) stuff before I know it.

I think I’ll be asking Mr. Santa Jobs for an iBrain this year for Christmas. It’s either that or a new blender. Prederably one that maxes out at “chop.”

Yes, the road to the White House runs through me

and apparently Dave Letterman as well.

Thursday Thirteen: The SkyMall Catalog

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m on a plane headed for sunny Southern California. No wireless network. What’s a mommyblogger to do? Peruse the Skymall catalog, of course.

The Skymall catalog is always a reliable source for giggles, snickers, and a few eye rolls. To it’s credit, there are always a few “Hey! That could come in handy!” and “What’ll they think of next?” moments interspersed between, “Oh dear God. Someone has way too much time on their hands” and “Are you really THAT lazy?”

I know someone’s going to leave a comment saying that something on this list is the best thing since sliced bread. Bring it on. Enlighten me, oh wise shopper. Or, get your own blog and post your own list.

Here’s my list of thirteen craptacular things found in the latest edition:

1. The World’s Largest Map Mural
Really? Is it the largest ever? Someone call the Guinness people. Something tells me that the folks at the Pentagon have a bigger version. Who buys this thing? Who has the decorating sense to say, “Hmmm. I have a 9×13’ wall that just needs something. I’m on a plane and WHAMMO! It hits me. I need a giant map as the focal point of my room.

2. Spencer Forrest X5 Hair Laser
No catalog is complete without the obligatory hair loss treatment system. This time apparently lasers are key to stimulating hair follicles. If that was the case, why are most of the engineers I know bald men? You’d think they’d figured it out by now.

3. The Indoor Dog Restroom
Is a doggie door not an option for you? Does crate training seem inhumane? Can’t afford a dog walker? Does Fido or Fifi need a place to go wee-wee while you’re gallivanting about the country, flipping through shopping catalogs on airplanes? Try this. It’s a doormat-like rectangle of astro turf with a tray that can hold up to two gallons of fluid. I’m not a dog owner, but something tells me that man’s best friend is not going to take this sitting down.

4. Pet’s Observation Porthole
Is your dog getting too old to jump high enough to see over the fence? Are you tired of the claw marks on your pickets? Try this and give Spike his window on the world.

5. The World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle
See #1. Yes, this is another case for the Guinness folks. Who buys this? Someone who says, “Hmmm, let me show my kids that writing on the wall is okay. They can grow up to be cool like Will Shortz!” Hey guys, nothing gets a girl all hot and bothered than taking her back to your place for a little bourbon and word play. “Eight down, baby. No six across.” Oops! You know you should never have used a pen. Not only does she think you have no taste, she knows you’re an idiot who wants everyone to think you’re smart. The jig’s up Wordboy.

6. The Dough-Nu-Matic
I can hear Homer now. “Doughnuts? We can have mini-doughnuts in six minutes or less? How was I not informed of this glorious advancement in doughnut technology?”

Really folks, I’m no health nut, but do we really need personal dough fryers on every countertop in America? Heck it’s bad enough that most of us are afraid to sit ourselves on our countertops for lack of room or fear of breaking them. This leads us nicely into…

7. The Hollywood Cookie Diet
Yes folks. Put away your grapefruit. Cast aside your carrots and celery. The big blue furry monster from Sesame Street has apparently gone QVC on us. We’re now to beleive that eating these cookies will make us thin. What’s the secret? Ex Lax chocolate chips? Will they make you so sick that you won’t be hungry for weeks? Or do they just taste like dirt? Maybe you could put a few mini-doughnuts on top and they’ll be all good.

8. Gold-Dipped Roses
I think my grandmother had these in her bathroom. These are just plain ugly. Who buys these? Apparently grandmothers who are decorating bathrooms. Speaking of grandmothers…

9. The Boxing Grannies
How about this lovely tribute to the women who forged the way for us. These gals aren’t going to take it any more. Make up your own instigating converstation. May I suggest this one? “Look Mildred. That was my last ball of yarn! You can’t use it to balance out your bra. It’s not my fault your implants are sagging like tennis balls in tube socks! Hand it over!”

10. Bluetooth tether
So, Lieutenant Uhura was one of the hottest chicks on TV, right? She had the earpiece. She had the 411. I so wanted to be her. I thought I was some kind of badass when I got a bluetooth earpiece with my new crackberry. So, walking around like a perpetual Star Trek geek isn’t enough. I’m going to laugh in the face of wireless technology by tethering it to my body.

11. The Classic Day Clock
We’ve all had those days were we look at someone and ask, “What day it it again?” In today’s hectic lifestyles, it’s easy to lose track. That’s why we have these things called CALENDARS people. If you are so lame that you need a clock to tell you the day, you’ve got more issues than the good folks at Skymall can solve.

12. BBQ Branding Iron
Having a hard time differentiating between your well-done slab of beef and your beloved’s pate’? Have no fear? Put your stamp on your meat with heat! No more embarassing confusion over who gets what. But the uses go far beyond the grill. Dip it in ink and stamp hubby’s forehead before his next boys night out. If that doesn’t work, I’m sure it’ll come in handy when dividing out the stuff in the divorce settlement.

And no picnic or barbecue is complete without…

13. Beer Ants
Is it a frosty beverage? A science project? A college prank? Perhaps a combo of all three. Yes, you can host an ant colony in a beer mug. Take that one to the next science fair. I dare you.

So, do you own any of these gems? Have you ever shopped though Skymall? Any product reviews to share from personal experience?

I’m lighting the firepit and we’ll sing kumbaya.