The Many Sides of Me

Is this me? Really? Is it the me that you think I am? Is it the me you see?

Thanks to my Plurk friends, I was introduced to a new avatar creator, Face Your Manga. I went through, step by step, picking my face shape, my hair, eye color – everything down to my clothes and jewelry. When I was done, I looked beyond to components to see the whole. Was that really me?

I started to think about my blog. A RW friend (who is also a frequent reader) recently remarked, “Wow! You really put it out there. You don’t pull any punches, don’t you?”

I’ve been thinking about that for awhile. If you think I’m colorful in the real world, I’m pretty much neon online. Is the blogosphere my liquid courage? What would my online community think if they saw how mundane my life is? They’d never tune in to read the juicy and funny highlights.

Is this wrong? Should I be the same regardless of where I am and the context? I don’t think so.

All of this reminds me when Boo was about two, it really bothered me that she would be a princess for other people and a holy terror for me. Her pediatrician explained that she could let go and show her stress with me because she could trust and find comfort in me that she couldn’t feel with strangers. She performed for them because she needed to. This was normal. In fact, if she didn’t adapt her behavior to the situation, she’d be a sociopath.

So, that’s my excuse. I’m not a sociopath. Apparently a little self-imposed schizophrenia is a good and healthy thing. I can be a different woman for Homer than I am to my kids. Some friends know me through the lens of my work and others have known me in the context of my family. My mom will always see me as a twelve year old needing to be reminded to do my homework (or laundry for that matter). My dad will always see me as a six year old asking for an increase in my allowance.

What’s my point? You will see me how you want to see me – in some cases, how I want you to see me. Or so I think. The reality is that you’ll see me how you want to see me and there’s not a darn thing I can do about it.

So what’s a girl to do about it? I’m going to keep being me. I am going to keep being honest and real, while keeping in mind that I want my kids to get jobs and move out someday, so I can’t humiliate them THAT much.