13 Lame Reasons Not to Be a Parent in Las Vegas

Nothing gets my hackles up than hearing people say, “Vegas is fine for us now, but I wouldn’t want to raise kids here.”

After a few deep cleansing breaths, I resist the urge to give them a new orifice and politely ask them what exactly they object to about my fair city. Here are some of the lame excuses that I hear most frequently.

1. “Oh, there’s too much sex.” (Hmmm, it was fine when you wanted to go clubbing last weekend. How about the time you wanted to get your wife that “special friend”? No one batted an eyelash when you walked in the store. Think you could pull that off in Des Moines? I think not.)
2. “The education system is terrible.” (So, what are YOU doing to make it better? How did you vote on the last bond issue? Do your kids’ teachers know who you are, or do you wait for them to tell you when there’s a problem?)
3. “Vegas people are so rude.” (Excuse me, did you really just say that as you threw your cigarette butt out the window while simultaneously ignoring a pedestrian in a crosswalk, cutting off a minivan and giving a schoolbus the finger?)
4. “Nobody knows their neighbors.” (Uh, did you get off your lazy ass and go introduce yourself? Were you expecting a parade on your move-in day?)
5. “There’s nothing for kids to do here.” (Okay, that’s just insane. You’ve got sports teams, dance classes, scout troops, music lessons, parks, libraries, art programs, an aquarium, the Las Vegas Springs Preserve, museums…I could go on and on.)
6. “There’s nothing for grown-ups to do here.” (Are you kidding? You could eat in a different, non-chain restaurant every night for a year and never go to the same place twice. There are movie theaters, the performing arts center, First Fridays, sporting events, roller coasters, and all of that’s off the strip. We have a ton of performers come through all the time, so if you’re looking for David Spade or Dwight Yokam, you’ll get him here.)
7. “It’s so expensive.” (If you’re coming from Nebraska, yes Vegas will cost you more. If you’re coming from California, we’re still a pretty good deal.)
8. “Traffic is a nightmare. I don’t want to drive my kids around in that.” (Yes, transportation infrastructure is a challenge in a city that’s had the unrestrained, unplanned growth we’ve experienced. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t get our of your comfort zone and introduce yourself to another parent and make a carpool arrangement. Some of my and Homer’s best childhood friends swam in the carpool.)
9. “It’s too hot to do anything.” (Yes, it’s hotter than hades here. Sorry, you’ve got me there. But, you do get used to it and you work around it the same way that parents in Michigan work around the snow.)
10. “It’s a godless city.” (Actually, the statistic that Vegas has more churches per capita is an urban legend, but we still probably beat the country for most houses of worship in strip malls. We have temples, mosques, cathedrals, uber-churches and small faith communities. The benefit of being a 24-hour city is that you can worship what/whoever you want pretty much whenever it strikes your fancy.)
11. “I can’t deal with the 24-hour culture.” (Trust me, when you run out of diapers or formula at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night, you’re happy as a clam that every grocery store is open. My pediatrician has walk in hours on Saturdays AND Sundays. You don’t realize how much you take it for granted until you move to somewhere else.)
12. “It’s hard to meet people.” (Okay, here’s a news flash: ninety percent of the people you’ll meet here are from somewhere else. We’re all looking for people that share our interests, values and struggles. Find something you love, get involved with it and you’ll find people you like. Don’t expect to have someone kicking down your door screaming, “Hey! You’re fabulous! I want to know you. You’ve got to kick some doors down yourself. Sorry baby, Vegas isn’t a town for wallflowers.”)
13. “No one cares.” (Uh wrong. I CARE. If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I’m very passionate about my adopted hometown. I married a native, tried to move away (due to career demands) and was back (unapologetically) two years later. This is MY CITY – lumps, bumps and all.)

So, consider yourself warned. Don’t bitch about my girl unless you’re knee deep in here with me trying to fix it – one stucco-covered cinder block at a time.

Sigh. Okay. I’ll get off my soapbox now, but I reserve the right to jump on it again at will.

Wordless Wednesday: I Guess We Need to Turn Up the AC